Forget Taylor Swift, Lily Allen Is the Real Queen of Ex-Shaming

I hate the fact that Taylor Swift is getting all the media attention for being that singer who bashes her ex-boyfriends through her songs while Lily Allen is sitting pretty for getting away with her boy-shaming schemes because honestly? I think Lily Allen is the real queen.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a die-hard Swiftie and I love Lily so much that I almost considered her as my spirit animal when my boyfriend acted way too cute that I wanted to punch him in the face. But if you’d ask me who could write better spot-on, boy-bashing songs than Taylor, I’d say it’s none other than the fucking classy British singer, Lily Allen. I mean, how many times did Lily drop the F-bomb in her songs to describe how fucked up those dickheads were? If you loved Amy Dunne of Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, say hello to our new queen.

Allow me to enlighten your dumb ass.

Not Fair

Just when you thought you’ve found the man of your dreams
Here comes the #BigReveal that will make you think twice about him
Sure, he treats you with respect, but he never makes you scream
Poor darling, let the lyrics do the talking:

I lie here in the wet patch
In the middle of the bed
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head

When we go up to bed
You’re just no good
It’s such a shame

You’re supposed to care
But you never make me scream
You never make me scream

If you’re like the woman in this song who cares about her sexual pleasure, you go girl. Because according to Sofia Jawed-Wessel, “A woman who prioritizes her sexual needs is scary, because a woman who prioritizes her sexual needs prioritizes herself. That is a woman demanding that she be treated as an equal. Sounds like something that Amy Dunne would say, right?

Listen to the song here.

Not Big

When you and your beau didn’t come undone, there’s no better revenge than to tell the world how he didn’t make you come. Not Big is every girl’s anthem when paying a special tribute to that poor Lil’ Billy. That’s worse than savage if you ask me.

Alright, how would it make you feel if I said you never made me cum?
In the year and a half that we spent together
Yeah, I never really had much fun

I’m gonna tell the world you’re rubbish in bed now
And that you’re small in the game

You’re not big, you’re not clever
No, you ain’t a big brother
Not big whatsoever

Shots fired. And in case you’re not satisfied with the small-penis-shaming that happened over there, here’s more (also, imagine Amy Dunne speaking to Nick while reading this and slap me if didn’t creep the hell out of you):

I’m sorry if you feel that I’m being kinda mental
But you left me in such a state
But now I’m gonna do what you did to me
I’m gonna reciprocate

Is that you, Amy? Listen to the song here to find out.

Smile

I don’t know about you, but if my man cried in front of me after cheating on me, I’d feel bad at first but I’d be glad to see him drowning in the pool of his own misery. Ha ha. Read on to find out what Lily thinks:

At first when I see you cry
Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah, it makes me smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile

Stop wallowing in self-pity, girl and listen to the song here instead.

Fuck You

Sick and tired of that asshole who 1) has a tiny mind 2) thinks being gay is not okay 3) is a racist 4) is slow-minded? We’ve found your soon-to-be-favorite song. Fuck You is one classy, stylish way of cursing your ex because the singer is British and, let’s admit it: everything, even curses and swear words, becomes classy when spoken in British. And in case you’re forgetting, it’s Lily Allen, dear sir, so it sounds extra classy. *winks*

So you say
It’s not okay to be gay
Well I think you’re just evil
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

You say, you think we need to go to war
Well you’re already in one,
‘Cause it’s people like you
That need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
‘Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew

‘Cause your words don’t translate and it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

Repeat fuck you 10,000x

So I almost literally wrote the entire lyrics there except for the lines below. I’ve got some revelation for you:

Do you get
Do you get a little kick out of being slow-minded?
You want to be like your father
It’s approval you’re after
Well that’s not how you find it

Did you think of Amy while reading those lines? Because I did. Except that Nick Dunne did not want to be like his father (he just naturally became one when he began hating Amy). Creepy, huh? Now listen to the song here.

If you’re bothered by this post’s level of sarcasm, fuck you. It’s about time we girls get real about the dickheads in our lives and thanks to Lily Allen, we can just dedicate these songs to them instead of publicly shaming them (as if the former is different from the latter).

I don’t care what you think, but for me, Taylor Swift and Lily Allen are two of the most feminist singers in the music scene. If you’ve watched or read Gone Girl, you’d agree with me in this statement: Flynn, Allen, and Swift would make influential ambassadresses for a feminist movement.

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